Executive Presence: Why People Tune You Out Before They Ghost You! with Mari Geasair

Episode Summary

You can find Mari Geasair at:
Website: https://www.more-impact-less-stress.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mari-geasair/

Mari Geasair Podcast Transcription

[00:00:00] Kris Ward: Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of Win the Hour. Win the Day. And I am your host, Kris Ward. And today in the house we have Mari Geasair and she is a leadership consultant and trainer. And today we’re gonna talk about professional presence that make people stop ghosting you okay? Boy, this sounds interesting, Mari, let’s get to it.

What are you talking about? What do you mean and where does this apply? 

[00:00:22] Mari Geasair: Ghosting can happen a lot of ways. Ghosting can be when somebody decides not to follow up with you, even though they said they were going to, and you get ignored. But there’s also that polite ghosting that can happen during the middle of a staff meeting, a sales meeting, a conversation with a new contact where you share something you know is valuable and they nod and smile.

Maybe they say, oh, that’s nice, and they move their attention away. You are being dismissed. And your true value isn’t being seen by other people. And we get so on our own case about that we feel so bad, why aren’t people [00:01:00] hearing me? And sometimes we think it’s the quality of our ideas or our offer when it’s simple things that we need to do to catch people’s attention and work with their brains.

So we stand out as unmistakably a value in something they want more connection with.

[00:01:22] Kris Ward: Okay, so it’s tapping into their brains. Okay?

[00:01:25] Mari Geasair: There’s neuroscience behind this. 

[00:01:27] Kris Ward: All right. Because my previous strategy, not an effective one, I’ll tell you, is you’re right. So we’re dealing with entrepreneurs and you could be having a conversation with a potential lead.

You could be, there’s just so many different elements. You could be in a networking event, you could be DMing people, whatever. But I think especially when you’re looking them in the eye on a zoom call, whatever. Let’s say you’re doing a sales call. You think you’re losing them, they’re tuning out or the questions are, you right, you’re right.

They’re being polite to you. And my strategy, once upon a time, not a good [00:02:00] one, but it was, I wouldn’t call it a strategy. The reaction is. Really in my case, just to talk faster. ’cause you’re like, oh, you’re losing them. They’re not getting it. This is so important. And then it really just is, can be you. My enthusiasm or anyone’s enthusiasm can also come across as eng aggression when it’s not intended, but you’re just like, oh, this is so important.

And then it’s just oh my gosh. Like I’m just trying to get off this call. So I think even ghosting where, for everyone, of course, we probably all know that term, but somebody just not replying back to. I think you distinguish something that’s really important is like they’ve drifted in the middle of the conversation.

It’s just not the official, oh, I said I’d get back to you by email on Friday and it’s been two weeks. It’s not just that it’s I have mentally checked out and I’m still in the room and we sense it and then we react poorly. 

[00:02:47] Mari Geasair: Exactly. 

[00:02:48] Kris Ward: Okay. 

[00:02:48] Mari Geasair: Somehow you’ve gone in their brain. From important to optional, 

[00:02:54] Kris Ward: okay.

[00:02:55] Mari Geasair: We want people to think you are undeniably important, okay? You’re [00:03:00] not optional. They have to pay attention and take in everything you’ve got. 

[00:03:04] Kris Ward: Okay? And most of us are just gonna assume that comes from a fast talking sales person or this natural swag or charm that some people seem to have. 

[00:03:13] Mari Geasair: And it’s not okay.

It’s not about personality. It is not an inborn trach. Okay? People think that’s the case. These are learned skills. Anyone can learn them, okay? You may have accidentally learned them from your third grade teacher or your aunt and not known it. Okay, but this is a learnable thing and it is not about being less than genuine, okay?

You’re not trying to be something you’re not okay. But what you’re trying to be is brain friendly. You’re trying to show up in a way that people can take in what you have to say easily. So I’ll give you that example. I’ll talk to your example, Kris. People aren’t paying attention, so you talk faster.

Yeah. And a lot of people do this and they talk faster and sometimes they talk a little breathier and they get a little air and I’m talking like this and do I sound [00:04:00] like an authority right now? I sound like I’m crazy. 

[00:04:03] Kris Ward: Worse than that, ’cause you said something I thought was really important, brain friendly versus me giving you a headache.

I knew at the time. When I was, I would call my younger business self in the infancy stage of business. It’s, I knew I didn’t sound like I had authority. In my mind, what it sounded like is when you have a child come in after a long day of school and they’re like in kindergarten or grade one and you’re like what happened to at school?

Oh my gosh, the teacher did this and the teacher did that, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And there’s no, weight to what they say. It’s just a child hysterically rattling off with enthusiasm, things that are not of substance. I felt that at the time, like this isn’t good. 

[00:04:40] Mari Geasair: Exactly. Yeah. So you had, even though your words and your ideas and your experience had huge impact, strength, authority, competence, the way you were delivering it didn’t.

There are three things our brains always in order to fully decide that an [00:05:00] informa, that a piece of information is really valuable, okay? Instead of skipping over it, focusing on it. And those three things need to be pretty much in balance. It will change a little bit, context to context, but we need to know that people are warm, friendly.

Something in that, I like you bucket. Okay. Because if somebody comes off too standoffish, too cold, too, I don’t care, then we don’t think they’re important to us. Or we think they’re a threat to us. So we need something in that warmth bucket. And there are a lot of words, different researchers use different words, but warmth, their friendliness.

Okay, we need something in. Competence authority bucket. Okay. ’cause I could hang out with somebody who’s just delightful, but if I think they’re accidentally gonna burn down the house, then I don’t really wanna spend a lot of time with them. Yeah. Yeah. So we need that competence, strength, authority, but we also need connection.

[00:06:00] Okay. Or sometimes people talk about it as presence, that this person is really with me. 

Okay. 

What happens is if we get nervous, if we get distracted, if there are too many ideas in our mind, or sometimes if we’ve just picked up some bad habits along the way, we can flip too much to one side or another.

Okay. And so that’s what I was talking about. When people get high and breathy and they speak too fast, that doesn’t signal enough warmth. A strength or enough connection. 

Okay. 

But there are other people that are like, I’m gonna be professional here. I’m being professional. Yeah. And that doesn’t signal enough genuine connection.

So we need to be aware of not our mindset, but our behavior. What are the things that we are doing that are making it easier for other people to hear our message? 

[00:06:53] Kris Ward: Okay, so what does that look like? Because I know for [00:07:00] me. I think sometimes people confuse efficiency, not with warmth. Like I’ve even had my clients say to me because I don’t ask they’ll think, ’cause I am.

I get stuff done. Or like we find, hire and onboard virtual assistants and put them in our leadership program for the entrepreneurs and all the qualities that go along with leadership being an effective communicator, things like that. And sometimes I think the competent competency confuses people with warmth.

’cause I’ve had people say to me, just last week someone said, actually Klein, she said I’m not like you Kris. I’m really sensitive. I applying. Like she, she has tender feelings I thought. That’s hilarious because everyone in my world makes fun of me and pre views TV shows because they’re like, no, you can’t watch that.

If you I have cooking shows where even if the person loses, everyone is really nice to him and they’re all really happy. Like I cannot stand anyone being mean to anyone in any capacity. I don’t watch [00:08:00] movies where people get sad or die or beat up or really? You have to have a happy movie with a minor inconvenience.

Before I’m willing to watch it, right? But I do get that confusion all the time. And then of course when people get to know me, they think I’m incredibly thoughtful and stuff like that. But people I think at face value confuse efficiency with coldness. 

[00:08:21] Mari Geasair: So you pointed out a really great thing, which is we all have on our best day, all of us naturally balance these, right?

When you are having your on moment with your best people, you balance these. But we all have a place when we get off that we either go typically too strong or too warm. 

[00:08:41] Kris Ward: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:08:41] Mari Geasair: Sometimes people don’t connect at all, but it’s usually too strong or too warm. 

[00:08:46] Kris Ward: Okay. 

[00:08:46] Mari Geasair: And people can figure this out for themselves by feedback.

You just told me that when you are really going, you need what we would call more warmth flashes or tiny fast warmth cues. There are other [00:09:00] people, and I’m a great example, if I get too many head ideas in my head. I can get over friendly because I’m trying. I want you to really feel good while I try to think through everything.

[00:09:11] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:09:11] Mari Geasair: And I can nod and smile a little bit too much. I get a little bobble heady and, okay. I get my hands are a little outta control and I seem like I don’t have an idea in my head. So what we want to do is we wanna be aware of, okay, I know we’re cold and kind. 

We wanna know what it feels like when we’re at our best, and then we wanna look at where do we get off? And one great trick for people, if you’re wondering, go read your LinkedIn reviews or go read your testimonials. Okay? And circle all the words that are either kind, friendly, thoughtful, warm, yeah. Or the words that are competent, strong, efficient, and notice the balance. 

[00:09:54] Kris Ward: Okay? Let me jump in there though.

But in fairness. Is that a good [00:10:00] cross section? Because if now, okay, hold on. Pay attention. I’m gonna ask you two questions at the same time. So one, is that fair because it is a business arena. So are we not talking business. So would my, by nature of that, if I ask for review, they’re talking business, they’re gonna talk about my authority, right?

And then does it also not depend on the person’s style? Who I think if I’m giving you a compliment in your review, it’s the best thing I can say to you is that you are an authority figure because I’m using my language. So does that not also taint the review I give you? 

[00:10:34] Mari Geasair: So great catches and let’s unpack that.

[00:10:37] Kris Ward: Okay.

[00:10:37] Mari Geasair: So yes, you got some stuff. This is, you never wanna respond to one piece of feedback or one review. Okay. You wanna respond to a group, what is the trend? Not what is the one piece of information, okay? Because you’re right, people will give feedback in their style. 

[00:10:54] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:10:54] Mari Geasair: So if I hear it from one, it doesn’t matter, but if I hear it from 10, okay, maybe the other thing to [00:11:00] remember is this isn’t stuff Mari made up. This is stuff brains need. Okay. And it’s been researched in a lot of ways, in lots of cultures in, and everybody from econ, economists couldn’t say that word for a moment. Economists to educators, to neuroscientists have seen these patterns. 

And I agree with you. I see a lot of stuff out there now being pushed, but I think it’s Vanessa Van Edwards is pushing this a lot lately too.

So I do, I know this is not touchy feely stuff. It is very scientifically based. 

And what I wanna remind people about that is that means it’s gonna show up in every arena. Okay. It’s gonna show up at Thanksgiving dinner, right? And it’s gonna show up in a business meeting because it’s neurologically, biologically hardwired, the way we show it is gonna be different. I will show warmth at Thanksgiving differently than I will show warmth in a sales meeting, right. But I still have to show warmth.[00:12:00] 

[00:12:01] Kris Ward: Now I blame my mother this, okay, thanks Mom. I think I am known for giving a lot of compliments. I think one of the things we do poorly is we sit in a room when somebody’s in a casket and say all these wonderful things about them.

So I try very hard on a very, any thought I have, that’s a positive one, especially to people in my personal life. I will leave them messages about that. And people like, oh my gosh. I had my uncle say to me, I’ve done a lot of favors for a lot of people, but I’ve never had anyone leave messages as thoughtful as yours, right?

Hey, I was just looking at the thing. It’s a cold day and you fixed my window a year ago, and as if you had nothing else to do, you drove all the way out here and fixed this for me and this is what it meant to me, and blah blah. So I do that right? However. I still think sometimes I can be giving someone a compliment and because I’m thinking it through, it still comes out I’ve had Evan’s worked with me 14 years and he will call me on this.

There’s been times I gave him a big compliment and then [00:13:00] he asked a question like that didn’t land. I was actually complimenting you. And he goes, oh, I didn’t get that. I was like, okay. 

[00:13:06] Mari Geasair: So that’s beautiful. So beautiful. You’ve pointed out a really great direction here and a really great distinction.

[00:13:12] Kris Ward: Okay.

[00:13:12] Mari Geasair: Which is the, so it’s my tone. That’s what I forgot to nail down. It’s my tone that doesn’t do this. Okay. Okay. 

So vocal tone, body tone, language. Yeah. So this can show up in our tone, our voice, our body, our language. Okay. The way frame conversations. But there’s a big distinction you brought up.

I want people to hear. Okay. You were talking about, I leave long, thoughtful messages. Often these things work better as flashes or small cues. Okay. So if you are someone who needs to warm up your professional communication, you don’t want to be in a sales meeting saying, oh my gosh, it’s so amazing how great you are, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Because that may start to feel disingenuous to somebody [00:14:00] else, okay? Or they might wonder where you’re going with it. 

[00:14:02] Kris Ward: Oh, what do you want? 

[00:14:04] Mari Geasair: Yeah. But a great job. Fascinating point. Interesting idea. Love that. Cool idea. These flash flashes, and I’m doing it verbally, but for those who can see the video, I’m also showing my poems, right?

So these are two techniques you can use, which is a two to three word positive interjection. You don’t go through the entire, oh my God, this is everything that’s amazing about you, Kris. You go. Nice catch. Great point. Lovely idea. Great Follow through and move on. Okay. And the other thing is being sure that you make your hands visible and particularly your palms visible.

Right on Zoom. A lot of us have our hands below the frame. 

Yeah, you wanna see your palms? Okay. ’cause this is a… a safety, seeing the palm is a safety signal to other people’s [00:15:00] brains, so you wanna do that on the warmth scale. On the strength scale, you wanna slow down your speech. You don’t have to slow down the entire time. But every now and then, do a low and slow, slightly lower pitch. Slightly slower pace. 

[00:15:18] Kris Ward: I do focus on that. I am very mindful of that. And I do find, like I cognitively think of that oh, this message, what I’m about, say right now is important. So it is, it’s almost like playing playing an instrument.

Like you can play the fiddle fast or it can be romantic music or a car chase. So I do think of that a lot and I think it does have a big impact. 

[00:15:37] Mari Geasair: It’s huge. Yeah. And what a lot of entrepreneurs do is they unconsciously, they’re completely unaware of it. Do the opposite. 

[00:15:45] Kris Ward: Yeah. Okay.

[00:15:45] Mari Geasair: They will get to the price or the deadline or whatever really important thing they need to convey is, and they’ll say, so the price is $14,000 or so, I need to hear back from you next week.

They’ll speed that [00:16:00] up instead of the price for that would be $14,000. Yeah. And I would need to hear from back from you next week to move forward because it’s scary. We don’t wanna spend time there. Yeah, so they’ll pitch up higher pitch voice, little breathier faster, and it causes confusion. I just had this in a doctor’s office.

I was with a loved one doctor had to give a difficult diagnosis. She was uncomfortable saying the words. 

Yeah. So she got high and breathy, and my loved one literally didn’t understand what was happening. She couldn’t get what had been said. 

[00:16:38] Kris Ward: Yeah 

[00:16:38] Mari Geasair: because her anxiety was contagious. 

[00:16:41] Kris Ward: Oh my God, I don’t wanna get dark. But I went through the same thing with with the husband and his diagnosis and it is unfortunate ’cause the doctor’s trained to be a doctor and at what point does it train them to give them such devastating news? And this particular doctor, when we first got his diagnosis, first of all.

He looked away and he [00:17:00] looked across the room like as if a bird flew by. And so now he’s looking over there and so his voice is going over there and then he said it really fast and we’re like, wait. We all looked where he was looking. Like we all thought, oh, what’s happening over there? Like we had, like we were com we were lost and it was really important information.

[00:17:17] Mari Geasair: This happens all the time. Yeah, because we are uncomfortable. Yeah, and we feel like we’re being too strong. 

Yeah, we’re too forceful. But if you are low and slow and you’re looking at who you’re talking to, your body language is open. You are giving compassion by giving clarity. 

Okay. 

If you’ve set that up with other kinds of voice.

Of warmth cues, and we talked about the positive interjections. We talked about showing the palm having some vocal variety. If I talked to you like this the entire time, I wouldn’t be on a podcast, but also you wouldn’t believe that I was a warm person, right? So you’ve set the warmth up first, and it’s [00:18:00] important that you do that first, so that when you have to give strength, whether it’s bad news or a great opportunity, you can do that.

Slowly, clearly and powerfully. 

[00:18:14] Kris Ward: To your point, something I learned years ago, and I think it’s very relevant here, is. Say I was doing a speaking gig and I had a presentation. It was hour long and I would be whipping through the sides, taking a look, okay. I say this, right? And what I learned, which was even more important, is the whatever, the musicality or the tone of it, so that I am practicing.

The delivery of it, not the memorization of it. It also tells me how long it is and that I know, like you said, oh, this is the price slide. Slow down, use my deeper voice, whatever. That each, it isn’t so much even the words that are on each slide that I want to echo, but what, where should I be?

In my volume or my pacing and all these things that I don’t understand that tie on to the stuff that you’re [00:19:00] tying it down to, but I understood. No. You have to pr… the practicing the delivery is maybe even more important than the content. 

[00:19:07] Mari Geasair: I Absolutely, and I’ll give your listeners proof if I say to you, come here and put out this fire.

Yeah. That is very different than come here and put out this fire. 

[00:19:19] Kris Ward: Yeah, absolutely.

[00:19:20] Mari Geasair: Two totally different meanings. Yeah, same exact words. Now I wanna be clear that people don’t think that this is performative, right? And what I would say is, instead of thinking about I’m needing to practice how I’m going to deliver it, which can be difficult.

Now I am trained as a theater actor, so I know all about rehearsal, but that’s a different thing. What I ask people to do is think about this as a gift. What you are giving is a gift. Your words are a gift. How do you want that gift wrapped? 

[00:19:53] Kris Ward: That’s good. That’s good. Yeah. Steve Jobs, I’m always afraid to bring up people now in history.

’cause now you’re like okay, despite what we [00:20:00] know about this guy or that guy, let me use him as an example, whether you like him or not. His whole thing of when he would do the big reveal in the spring and his, he was known for saying and just one more thing. Oh, and one more thing. And it would be this big thing that he was the new technology, and I read a book on that, that he practiced that something like 40 hours to just get the look that he wandered off onto the stage and then just thought of these things off the top of his head. So the lesson I took it to your point of not being performative, it wasn’t I was being performative.

But what I was doing is not letting the emotion or anything else get in the way. And I’ve heard actors talk about this, so it’s kinda like you said, being a theater actor, it means oh, then I can be present in what I’m doing instead of thinking, open the door, walk across the room and then smile at what?

Like in your play, right? So it’s oh, this is the next slide. I’m not now thinking of, what am I saying? And are they like all the other, there’s gonna be about 10 different things coming at me. It could be the lighting in the room, it could be somebody asking questions. But because I have the [00:21:00] pacing all sorted out and I’m comfortable with how I feel, I won’t, I also won’t let people speed me up because I’ve, I know if I even one or two slides, I get a little ahead of myself.

I can feel it’s uncomfortable from my rehearsal, and then it slows me down. 

[00:21:14] Mari Geasair: Absolutely. Yeah. There’s a phrase in the theater world, living truthfully in the moment, right? And this is what I want our listeners to do. I want our listeners to think about, I am bringing forth truth. It’s true that what I’m selling is valuable.

It’s true that my idea is I believe it’s a worthwhile idea, or I wouldn’t share it. It’s true that I wanna make this connection. How do I stay with that truth? But stay in the moment. Okay. And not let my nervousness my destruction, my whatever else is going on, caused me to do what I call masking. So we do things that mask our strength, our warmth and connection.

That make it harder for people to get to what’s already genuinely there for [00:22:00] us. Yeah. So I talked about people speaking too fast. Also, sometimes people will, and you can hear it in my voice a little bit, they don’t quite breathe all the way. They hold on to part of their breath. Yeah, and you can hear that I don’t quite sound like I wanna be here right now.

That is a habit. So if we are looking at, okay, I’m gonna have this important conversation. I’m gonna slow down. I’m gonna put my feet on the ground, I’m gonna breathe fully. I’m gonna use all of my air. I’m gonna make sure my body language is open. Maybe you can see a palm. I’m gonna say what I wanna say, low and slow.

Another technique I like to use is called Wait for it, or Wow. And Wow has three parts. Part of it is your weight. Is your weight steady on your body, or are you leaning in odd ways, which you’re gonna give messages you don’t wanna give. Is your body language open? And then you give a great idea. And before you allow yourself to say the next idea in your brain, you say, wait [00:23:00] for it.

So Kris, I’ve got this great idea for you. Mentally, I say, wait for it. Here it is. Okay. That’s about the right length of a pause. 

[00:23:09] Kris Ward: Okay.

[00:23:09] Mari Geasair: It’s important for people to know that your internal sense of how long your pause is not accurate. Other people will say that your pause is roughly one third as long as you think it is.

So you think you’ve waited forever and they’re just now mentally catching up with where you’re going. 

[00:23:28] Kris Ward: Okay. Okay. All right. Would you say maybe in the business arena, like we, either we def defer to one or the other, like authority or just ’cause we perhaps that we think that’s what being professional looks like.

So most of us or more often in the business world, more of us are struggling with being warmth. Like where’s the or is it just so varied? 

[00:23:53] Mari Geasair: Actually it’s the order. 

[00:23:55] Kris Ward: Okay. 

[00:23:55] Mari Geasair: So we need to do that warmth early, and most of us think we’re being [00:24:00] professional and we save that warmth till late. 

[00:24:02] Kris Ward: Okay. All right.

[00:24:03] Mari Geasair: And what’s going on is the brain is prioritizing warmth first. Because warmth is safety. So in that first minute, I need to do something to signal warmth. Now, the mistake we make is we think it needs to be overboard. It doesn’t need to be a lot. But there’s something called signal amplification bias, where I will think that I have given you signals of I wanna be here.

I’m excited to be on this podcast and you will be like, gosh, Mari doesn’t seem like she wants to be here this morning, because I think my signal is stronger than it’s being received. And this is very true of warmth. 

[00:24:43] Kris Ward: Okay. That is true because I know even we hopped on the call. Long story short, usually I’m here earlier and something happened where I’m like, ’cause I believe if you’re on time, you’re late.

So I was on time, but I like to be on time and set up. So you came on the screen now, luckily I know you and I was like, okay, I got a little bit of leeway with her and don’t [00:25:00] have to panic, but in my mind, ’cause I didn’t, and you might’ve waited for me like, I don’t know, a minute and a half. But in my mind I like, oh my gosh, I am holding you up.

I’m usually f two steps ahead of this. So I should be on step three. And I’m step one. And so I honestly felt like I didn’t… a couple times I stopped and I’m like, I looked up to you and said, oh, said something. ’cause I’m like, I felt you were neglected. I felt I didn’t greet you warmly because I felt I was holding you up because I wasn’t on my regular schedule.

So I’m like, oh, so you think so if you were another person who didn’t know me, I would’ve been better. Off greeting you warmly and us taking two extra minutes in the world, not coming to a screeching halt, then the rest of our conversation would go better than me trying to rush through on your behalf.

’cause I’m holding you up and I’m coming across in different and busy and like I don’t have time for you and I’m really not happy you’re here. 

[00:25:54] Mari Geasair: Welcome to the human rights. Yeah. We all did this. 

[00:25:56] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:25:57] Mari Geasair: And it doesn’t even take two minutes. Just [00:26:00] Hi Mari. So glad you’re here. Yeah. I’m really looking forward to this.

Running a little bit late. And then move on it. We think warmth cues need to take a lot of time. 

[00:26:08] Kris Ward: Okay. 

[00:26:10] Mari Geasair: If you make strong eye contact, if you really keep your body language open and pointed towards the person, and if you amplify your language. So there’s a difference between, how are you doing?

I’m fine. And how are you doing? Fantastic. Excited to be here. 

[00:26:28] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:26:29] Mari Geasair: Of two completely different messages. But they don’t take much difference in time. And this is so important. I just, I see this all the time in the business world. I just was just working with a CEO, who’s very excited to have scaled her business.

But she got an engagement report back. She hired a consultant firm to do a report on her team, and they are feeling like they, their viewpoints aren’t being heard.

And I know her. I know that’s all she thinks about every day, all day. Yeah. [00:27:00] How can I make this right for people? But what’s happening is she’s speeding from thing to thing.

And she’s not amplifying that warmth. 

[00:27:08] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:27:09] Mari Geasair: At the be beginning of the meeting of that’s a great breakthrough. Let’s build on it. Excited to be here. We’re gonna do X. Tiny things. Warmth first. Then authority. Yes. 

[00:27:21] Kris Ward: No, we now we could talk about this all day because two things, one… The example I just gave you about myself is now while I’m talking to you, I have all these internal distractions ’cause I’m thinking about this.

So I’m now, aside from being late, I’m not even paying attention ’cause I’m arguing with myself about I’m neglecting you or whatever. I shouldn’t have held you up or whatever. So that there’s a lot of noise and none of it is yours. And secondly, we surprisingly it’s always easier to work outwards than inwards.

I talk to my, all my clients about that when we find, hire and onboard a virtual assistant for them and put them in leadership program and we work with them on leadership and setting up processes for their VA, because finding a VA is great, but keeping them is another thing. [00:28:00] And I’ve learned over the years too that something as simple as…

if I’m going to be rushed, I’m better off. Not if I have a 15 minute scrum meeting with my team, I’m better to miss that meeting to show up, feeling rushed. ’cause I have to be somewhere else because then they, then I’m trying to speed it up. And the energy is that they’re the frustration when I walked into the room with the odor of frustration.

’cause I’m like, okay, we gotta get through this really quickly and nobody is better off for having spent time with me. So I had to learn that as a recovering Rushaholic. That the energy I walk into the room, it has such a impact, like such a profound impact. And so I am very mindful of that. This says oh no, I’m not gonna be schedule Mari because I’m two minutes late and I just have to learn.

That was not a crisis. But I am very very focused on that when you’re working with a team. 

[00:28:49] Mari Geasair: Absolutely. Yeah. And you, I love what you said. There was a lot of noise and none of it was yours. 

[00:28:55] Kris Ward: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:28:56] Mari Geasair: Yeah. That’s what we need to understand. The first [00:29:00] rule of not getting ghosted and not being dismissed is take control of your nervous system.

The person with the strongest nervous system in the room wins. Okay. So if you’re rushing or defending or distracted, nothing you do is going to be heard. If you are self judging, nothing is going to be heard. And the thing is. We can break out the, we can take away the perfectionism. Maybe you do go to the 15 minute meeting, but you really say, I’m gonna focus for 15 minutes here, and if half of one idea gets done, great.

[00:29:34] Kris Ward: Yeah.

[00:29:34] Mari Geasair: As opposed to, I’m gonna do everything I thought I was gonna do or not do it.

[00:29:38] Kris Ward: Yeah.

[00:29:38] Mari Geasair: Now we make strategic decisions about that and everybody does their own thing there and should, but very often we get too performative. I have to do everything in this meeting. 

[00:29:50] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:29:50] Mari Geasair: Versus I got one idea. Yeah. And I really listened and I was really there and they saw me pay attention to [00:30:00] them.

Good enough. People, entrepreneurs do this in sales calls all the time. They wanna walk us through their entire process. That is usually not gonna get the sale. 

[00:30:11] Kris Ward: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:30:12] Mari Geasair: I hear your need. I can solve your need. There is a process. Maybe all that needs to happen in that sales call. 

[00:30:20] Kris Ward: Yeah, absolutely. Or even the odd time where I’ve had the meeting, if I was in a rush.

You’re right. I’ll slim down my expectations or say to the team, Hey. Listen, this is on me. I don’t have a lot of time. I got a meeting right after this. It’s important so that, so here I am impatient Kris, bear with me, right? So just give, just label whatever it is I’m bringing into it. If I can’t, I do believe you control the energy you bring.

Like you really are responsible for the energy you bring into the room. But if you can’t control it, then at least identify it. 

[00:30:53] Mari Geasair: Absolutely. Labeling or tagging goes a long way. Yeah. Because here’s the thing about the brain. The brain is gonna pick up cues. [00:31:00] Yes. And if it doesn’t know what those cues mean, the brain will personalize it.

[00:31:04] Kris Ward: Yes.

[00:31:05] Mari Geasair: Oh, and by the way, some people personalize more than others. 

[00:31:09] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:31:10] Mari Geasair: If you, some of it is genetic. Yeah. If you come from a line of people who are genetically more sensitive, you’re gonna personalize some of it’s trauma. So if you’ve had a bad work experience Yeah. Or my client experience, you’re gonna personalize, which may mean that I’m talking to you and I got a little something I’m concerned about and I’m mostly neutral.

Yeah. But that flash of something I’m concerned about that may have nothing to do with you. Yeah. May take personally. So another technique that people can use to not get ghosted is just name it, and I did this with you this morning. You mentioned, Hey, there’s something going on with your voice. You don’t sound like you normally do.

And I was like, oh, I’ve had some family issues going on and I haven’t gotten as much sleep. I don’t need to go into the story. 

[00:31:57] Kris Ward: Yeah.

[00:31:57] Mari Geasair: Which is what people do, which… 

[00:31:59] Kris Ward: yeah,

[00:31:59] Mari Geasair: [00:32:00] lowers their strength. 

[00:32:01] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:32:01] Mari Geasair: But labeling it, oh, I’m a little distracted. Oh, I’m a little tired. Oh, I’m a little rushed following it with warmth, but I’m excited to be here, but I want to do this, but this is important.

So you label and then you label what’s going on for you, and then you relabel your commitment to being there. 

[00:32:20] Kris Ward: Yeah

[00:32:21] Mari Geasair: you will get ghosted less because people feel like they’re important to you. 

[00:32:27] Kris Ward: Mari, we could talk to you all day. Okay, Mari, where can people find more of your brilliance, your warmth, your authority, and your connection? Where can we find you, Mari? 

[00:32:37] Mari Geasair: Okay. Let’s connect Prismimpact.net. Remember the net. 

[00:32:43] Kris Ward: Okay. 

[00:32:43] Mari Geasair: The net result is I want you to have more warmth, okay. And when you go there, there will be a button for win, and I’ve got some gifts for Win The Hour Win The Day, folks. 

[00:32:55] Kris Ward: Good job. Okay..

[00:32:56] Mari Geasair: Because this is very, there’s a lot to this.

[00:32:59] Kris Ward: Yeah. 

[00:32:59] Mari Geasair: [00:33:00] But I promise three, five minutes a day in the shower. Thinking about this can change your world and get people to stop ignoring you. 

[00:33:08] Kris Ward: Okay, fantastic. Please make sure to share this episode with a business buddy. Don’t have them banging around by themselves. There is lots of little takeaways here, lots of big ones as well that I just don’t think we talk about enough and we just barrel through whatever it is the day, the meeting and I think slowing down and taking inventory on this, I agree with you, Mari would make such a big difference.

So thank you again for joining us here and everyone else. We’ll see you in the next episode. 

[00:33:32] Mari Geasair: That’s great being here. Thank you.